I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
