Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
