Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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