My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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