I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
