go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
