my phone needs a breathalizer
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
