During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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