god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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