i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
