I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i already hear my dad disowning me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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