sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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