I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
