My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
