no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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