I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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