Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
