I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
