i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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