So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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