shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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