You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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