If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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