right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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