went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
