your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
