Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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