i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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