john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
