party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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