Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
