I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.