Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
