Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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