You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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