I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
