he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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