Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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