sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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