It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
