filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
