i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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