You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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