Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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