On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
is it fun? or sober?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
