Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
