the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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