how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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