Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
