accomplished twins. life is a go
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
