That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
