I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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