Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
