I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
