so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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